There seemed to be some hovering sadness around me these days. I wish i knew why. Is it the departures? Or what is it? I can't seem to pinpoint it but i know i am upset with myself for a lot of things. Till now, i still seem to make a decision to do what i want. There is always many considerations about it and in the end, i will not end up going. My friend asked me to go tioman today, bali, australia. I hesitated. I wonder, why is it so hard to let go? Why can't i just dun tink about anythin and just go? I wanted to go thailand for a month this yr. It's always been my dream. I don't know whether i am able to do that. Or will that reason be holding me back again. I wish to overcome. Yet i dunno how to. Once again, i wish i knew.
Perhaps the only good thing i have decided to go this yr is to go to the Prisons to volunteer. I made this decision myself. I can finally see that i did something i wanna go and tis is not dependant on others. I want many other reasons as this. I am also glad that i volunteered for Singapore Arts Festival this year. I did not go for the volunteers training but i really hope i will be involved in the way i applied.
My appetite for God and his people had dwindled big time. I simply has no desire to go to church nor be invovled in church activities. However in my intellectual knowledge this cannot be. Each time i go to church, i always feel like i m alone. Or rather, i cannot meet up to "the standards" I cannot be like my fellow siblings who would share abt thanksgivings etc. I simply have drifted to somewhere far away. I dunno how to get back. Maybe i never will.
I seriously dunno wat i wan in my life. I wish God can give me my heart's desires. Sadly to say, i have not and i dunno whether i will ever have it. But Father, you said you are a Father who gives your children good gifts isnt' it? Maybe i need to know you anew.
What should i do now? There seems to be a tension in me-between what i want and what i choose. or what i want between the reality.
It's too tired to think at times. I am leaving it for now.
Sunday, May 10, 2009
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
The unknown.
I choose to term this entry as the unknown. Cos there are really a lot of unknowns this year. When can i get my masters? Will i go for the social work degree? Will i be going to Thailand? Will i be going to America? And most importantly, will God grant me the wish that i secretly desire in my heart? Seriously, all these are unknown. I wish i could see what is far ahead on the road i am treading on. But sad to say, i don't and i can't. Maybe that's where trusting comes. Trusting God. But i can't help to question God. And maybe i might not trust God deep enough. Life comes in a cycle. When i think i've gotten it, it comes back again. I can't help envying people like e, x, cos i always felt they have a better lot. I always think that my lot is bad. I do not know how to get out of it seriously, but i just have to move on cos the sun doesn't stop shining and life moves on. I am afraid of the future. With the way how things are going, i absolutely have no hopes for the future. I don't know what lies ahead. I don't see what i want is going to come through. Is it still my choice then? Many thoughts, many questions but no answer. I just have to wait. wait. wait.
Monday, January 19, 2009
Choice.
There were many milestones for me since the beginning of January. I felt that i had lived a happier life compared to 2007/08. Those yrs were crazy. Till now i still don't know how i went through those long yrs except by the grace of God. Since Jan, i felt i was better able to cope with my emotions that had been affected by the things around me. Besides praying i think it is also important to realise about Choice Theory- there is no way we can control others but we can only control ourselves. If we allow those things to affect us, we will only be miserable. But if we had a choice, we would rather be happier, isn't it? So i chose to be happy rather than dwelling in the things that i know won't happen. I don't wan to hv expectations now, cos i know tt wont happen. L felt to hv some expectations is gd but when it is not met, then u adjust. But to me, i'd rather start w no expectations, so in that, u won't get disappointed. Perhaps tt's y i am happier. Cos i see that i am not an owner anymore. God gave me these things/ppl by his grace to help me, but they are not mine at all. I discovered something on fri that left me speechless, that caused me great sadness. But still, i remembered that is the person's choice. There is nothing i can do to change that. I can only choose to be happy. Even so, through today's sermon, i realised i did bear grudges. I realised i need to forgive as well. Seeing the person makes me feel uncomfortable, yet i know that is my lot. Where can i escape to? I can only endure and may God grant me the power and strength to move on.
On sat, it was my first visit to the prison. I went there as a volunteer but it was really a great experience to me. It made me reflect about life. It had been some time since i really looked forward to something. I had been looking forward to this prison ministry as i felt i had much to give and to learn from them as well. It was sad to see people making mistakes...especially, not once, twice, but some even 9 times. Hearing from them talked brings in sadness as well. Some didnt have ppl to visit them. But some was given second chances. Most of them felt that they are weak. They did not have enough will power to overcome drugs and certain things in their life. I wished they could make the right choice. I wish it can be done. I wish they know what they want in their life. I wish...
Through it, i realised that we do make mistakes and we suffer the consequences of it. It may be once, twice, thrice....or ten times. But regardless of the number of times, i realised that it is not how much u failed. It is about finishing well. It is about whether u wan to pick urself up after u fall. It is about whether u wan to put in effort to just make sure u finish well.
I wish to say to all of them that i met on Sat: It is really not about whether u have been in and out of prison. But it is whether u wan to make a decision that u will stop whatever mistakes that u had done and choose never to do it again even though it is hard. It is about finishing well.
At the end of the day, it still boils down to this word "Choice". You choose your life. Yes, i choose my own life too. I want to finish well.
On sat, it was my first visit to the prison. I went there as a volunteer but it was really a great experience to me. It made me reflect about life. It had been some time since i really looked forward to something. I had been looking forward to this prison ministry as i felt i had much to give and to learn from them as well. It was sad to see people making mistakes...especially, not once, twice, but some even 9 times. Hearing from them talked brings in sadness as well. Some didnt have ppl to visit them. But some was given second chances. Most of them felt that they are weak. They did not have enough will power to overcome drugs and certain things in their life. I wished they could make the right choice. I wish it can be done. I wish they know what they want in their life. I wish...
Through it, i realised that we do make mistakes and we suffer the consequences of it. It may be once, twice, thrice....or ten times. But regardless of the number of times, i realised that it is not how much u failed. It is about finishing well. It is about whether u wan to pick urself up after u fall. It is about whether u wan to put in effort to just make sure u finish well.
I wish to say to all of them that i met on Sat: It is really not about whether u have been in and out of prison. But it is whether u wan to make a decision that u will stop whatever mistakes that u had done and choose never to do it again even though it is hard. It is about finishing well.
At the end of the day, it still boils down to this word "Choice". You choose your life. Yes, i choose my own life too. I want to finish well.
Monday, January 5, 2009
I guess when i stick close to God, He will help me in all my trials...
We had a sermon yesterday. The sermon to me yesterday was a reinforcement of what God had been talking to me recently. The passage was from 2 Cor 4:7-15..treasures in the jars of clay. The speaker ended by saying that he wants to live simply. Sometimes we are too entangled with the affairs of the world, and as a result we are "complicated". The main things he mentioned. We must have the willingness to both surrender and suffer. It is hard to want to suffer. Nobody wants trials. I don't like it especially when i know that each day in the office is a form of trial to me. However God promises us a very wonderful verse which he spoke to me earlier and just yesterday as well-verse 15. "For our light and momentary afflictions is acheiving for us an eternal weight of glory that far outweights them all. For what is seen is transient, but what is unseen is eternal". What a wonderul verse right. I know my afflictions are temporal, what is unseen is too. And i know that this verse gives me much encouragement to know that there is an end to all the sufferings in this world. What comes out from it is something (quoting from the speaker) "more better". I am looking forward for that day to come. So meanwhile, while on this earth, as i always prayed, pls grant me the grace to move on my every trial.
Thank you.
We had a sermon yesterday. The sermon to me yesterday was a reinforcement of what God had been talking to me recently. The passage was from 2 Cor 4:7-15..treasures in the jars of clay. The speaker ended by saying that he wants to live simply. Sometimes we are too entangled with the affairs of the world, and as a result we are "complicated". The main things he mentioned. We must have the willingness to both surrender and suffer. It is hard to want to suffer. Nobody wants trials. I don't like it especially when i know that each day in the office is a form of trial to me. However God promises us a very wonderful verse which he spoke to me earlier and just yesterday as well-verse 15. "For our light and momentary afflictions is acheiving for us an eternal weight of glory that far outweights them all. For what is seen is transient, but what is unseen is eternal". What a wonderul verse right. I know my afflictions are temporal, what is unseen is too. And i know that this verse gives me much encouragement to know that there is an end to all the sufferings in this world. What comes out from it is something (quoting from the speaker) "more better". I am looking forward for that day to come. So meanwhile, while on this earth, as i always prayed, pls grant me the grace to move on my every trial.
Thank you.
Saturday, January 3, 2009
The letter.
I have finally written that letter. Th0ught that it will be difficult to write but i realised i managed it just within 5 minutes. Perhaps the harder one is when to submit that letter. God, pls show me the right time. It was actually delayed.
Friends
I have a deep question abt friendship that i cannot understand. What are friendships actually? I always thot friendships are abt shared lives. It abt having both parties to share, to enjoy activities, to trust, to rely on. So if as a friend, we don't share, we don't do activities together, are we still friends? This is a very high school topic. But i realised it plagued me big time. I guess different ppl hv diff perception abt friendship, so does tt mean i need to change? But why is it that i need to change my understanding to suit the other and not the other to suit me? I had to adjust to the other party just cos the person doesnt like to share, instead of her trying to share more so that i can be involved in her life? It's kinda funny. I no longer know what friendship is. And perhaps friends are not impt to me anymore....It has to come to this point.
Suffering shapes us..."The Race"
An excerpt from a book...
If we suffer pain and suffering, it must be allowed for some divine purpose. We know from spiritual writers that suffering is often good for us. It strengthens us, humbles us and transforms us. Like the vaccinated child, we may not understand the reason for the pain, but we can believe that somewhere within the pain lies the seeds for our transformation and deepening maturity.
The bible describes God as a refiner who sits to refine the silver and gold (Malachi 3:3). A woman asked the refiner how he refined precious metal to further understand this passage. The refiner told her the importance of keeping the metal in the fire for the right length of time. "Keep it too long in the fire and you destroy the metal; keep it too short and the metal is not refined properly. ""Why do you have to sit?" asked the woman to which he replied, "I have to sit so that i can watch the metal closely. I don't take my eyes off it, and i must take it out of the fire at the right time." "And how do you know when is the right time?" was the next question. The refiner explained, "That's quite easy, when i see my face reflected on the metal, i know it is time to take it off the fire".
I like this passage. It is not unfamiliar. However, it provided understanding again why suffering is needed. In the midst of my suffering, i know my Lord never turns his back away from me. Although i am tempted to say like Jesus" Take the cup away from me", i know our gracious Lord will keep us true and through this whole jounrney. God knows when it will stop. I have to rest on his unchanging grace.
If we suffer pain and suffering, it must be allowed for some divine purpose. We know from spiritual writers that suffering is often good for us. It strengthens us, humbles us and transforms us. Like the vaccinated child, we may not understand the reason for the pain, but we can believe that somewhere within the pain lies the seeds for our transformation and deepening maturity.
The bible describes God as a refiner who sits to refine the silver and gold (Malachi 3:3). A woman asked the refiner how he refined precious metal to further understand this passage. The refiner told her the importance of keeping the metal in the fire for the right length of time. "Keep it too long in the fire and you destroy the metal; keep it too short and the metal is not refined properly. ""Why do you have to sit?" asked the woman to which he replied, "I have to sit so that i can watch the metal closely. I don't take my eyes off it, and i must take it out of the fire at the right time." "And how do you know when is the right time?" was the next question. The refiner explained, "That's quite easy, when i see my face reflected on the metal, i know it is time to take it off the fire".
I like this passage. It is not unfamiliar. However, it provided understanding again why suffering is needed. In the midst of my suffering, i know my Lord never turns his back away from me. Although i am tempted to say like Jesus" Take the cup away from me", i know our gracious Lord will keep us true and through this whole jounrney. God knows when it will stop. I have to rest on his unchanging grace.
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