Hovering sadness.

There seemed to be some hovering sadness around me these days. I wish i knew why. Is it the departures? Or what is it? I can't seem to pinpoint it but i know i am upset with myself for a lot of things. Till now, i still seem to make a decision to do what i want. There is always many considerations about it and in the end, i will not end up going. My friend asked me to go tioman today, bali, australia. I hesitated. I wonder, why is it so hard to let go? Why can't i just dun tink about anythin and just go? I wanted to go thailand for a month this yr. It's always been my dream. I don't know whether i am able to do that. Or will that reason be holding me back again. I wish to overcome. Yet i dunno how to. Once again, i wish i knew.

Perhaps the only good thing i have decided to go this yr is to go to the Prisons to volunteer. I made this decision myself. I can finally see that i did something i wanna go and tis is not dependant on others. I want many other reasons as this. I am also glad that i volunteered for Singapore Arts Festival this year. I did not go for the volunteers training but i really hope i will be involved in the way i applied.

My appetite for God and his people had dwindled big time. I simply has no desire to go to church nor be invovled in church activities. However in my intellectual knowledge this cannot be. Each time i go to church, i always feel like i m alone. Or rather, i cannot meet up to "the standards" I cannot be like my fellow siblings who would share abt thanksgivings etc. I simply have drifted to somewhere far away. I dunno how to get back. Maybe i never will.

I seriously dunno wat i wan in my life. I wish God can give me my heart's desires. Sadly to say, i have not and i dunno whether i will ever have it. But Father, you said you are a Father who gives your children good gifts isnt' it? Maybe i need to know you anew.

What should i do now? There seems to be a tension in me-between what i want and what i choose. or what i want between the reality.

It's too tired to think at times. I am leaving it for now.